COMMON SENSE + FEMINISM by B.A.M

*Progressive Feminism: A Relationship Perspective* - By B.A.M

_Please read patiently. Your thoughts and opinions are very welcome after you are done_.

I recently had a lengthy chat with a friend of mine regarding certain issues in her home. After thinking about our conversation for awhile and also having listened to a group of friends discuss a related hours ago, I felt I should share the following.

I am unapologetically a Feminist. I was raised as such before I even knew the meaning of the word. However, having come to know the meaning of the word and witnessed how people make demands on society based on that word, I decided to add ‘progressive’ to my brand of feminism. Hence, I call myself a ‘Progressive Feminist’. What’s that? I’d tell you in a bit. 😀

First, let’s establish certain things:

To all the guys who’d stumble on this, to be a feminist is NOT to be Effeminate. They mean two vastly different things. To be Effeminate is to have feminine  qualities. Usually untypical of a man.

On the other hand to be a Feminist is to believe  that men and women should be treated equally and given equal opportunity in society Socially, Economically, and Politically.

This suggests that because its women that have been treated unfairly in society, to restore equality, we should use how Men are treated in society as the standard and apply those standards to how we treat women.

The problem with that is, in many instances, men are allowed to get away with irresponsible behaviour in society. We just can’t use how society treats men as a standard for equality with women. Doing so will only produce more irresponsible behaviour...on the part of the women this time.

For example: Because a Man sleeps around and isn’t called names by Society, a Woman should sleep around too and not be called names by society.

I hear this ALOT.

To be a Progressive Feminist however is to believe that men and women should be held equally to the same ideal standards and given equal opportunity Socially, Economically,  and Politically in Society.

To be a progressive feminist is NOT to be irresponsible or demand leeway from society for irresponsible behaviour. It is to understand that because Men currently get away with irresponsible behaviour in the eyes of society, does not mean that women should demand to get away with matching irresponsibility too.

Progressive Feminism demands that BOTH Men and Women SHOULD NOT get away with irresponsible behaviour in the eyes of society. It demands that both men and women be EQUALLY responsible.

Simply put, hold both men and women to ideal standards equally. If you will hold a woman to ideal standards, kindly hold the man too to those same standards. Irresponsible male behaviour overlooked by society is NOT cause for a demand on society to overlook that same Irresponsible behaviour when exhibited by a female. This does NOT make for a progressive society.
Unfortunately this is what many demand today in the name of feminism.

Absolute Nonsense!

A Man should NOT sleep around. Simple. If he does, he should be called names. Likewise, a woman should NOT sleep around. If she does, she should be called names. This is what progressive feminism means. Incidentally it also makes for a progressive society.

A Man should not abuse/provoke his partner physically, emotionally, verbally, psychologically, or otherwise. If he does, the partner SHOULD take measures in protecting herself. Likewise, a woman should not do the same thing. If she does, the partner should take measures in protecting himself. I should add that protecting one’s self may mean divorce in some cases.

A Husband and Wife are equally deserving of each others fidelity and accountability in a marriage -meaning it pertains to both husband and wife equally. A married man CANNOT go around with another woman because he married his wife and not his wife marrying him.

The fact that he is head of the home (and I will come to this in a moment) has to do with Initiative, responsibility, and protection. Not with fidelity or the lack thereof. Like it or not, Infidelity is NOT one of the privileges of being the ‘head of a home’.

Cheating is morally, ethically, and socially wrong. It totally undermines the credibility  and integrity of the husband as the ‘head of the home’ in question. I find the fact that African women are advised to turn a blind eye to it in marriage completely demeaning and derogatory to their status as married women and wives.

This notion has eaten deep into the fabric of african womanhood especially because it is pandered about by mothers and other women...those primarily affected. It’s like they are telling each other...this is how it is...I suffered the same thing so you just have to suffer it too. Meanwhile if you ask the Men who are often the guilty party, they know that line of who married whom is total nonsense.

They KNOW they shouldn’t cheat on their wives. They know their wives have a right to their fidelity no matter what. They do it brazenly now, because our ‘good’; mothers and wives have provided a leeway for them in the name of prayerful tolerance.

A woman should NOT be encouraged to ‘cope’ with her husband’s infidelity and lack of accountability. Simply because it’s irresponsible of her husband. Let’s not even go into the fact that her husband will tolerate no such thing! Because we all know that, no way is he going to learn to ‘cope’ with such behaviour from his wife.

Neither should she demand from society in the name of feminism, that such behaviour on her part be overlooked because her husband is behaving that way and it’s being overlooked. Progressive Feminism demands that both parties be EQUALLY responsible.

The woman should demand that her husband be responsible, just as she also maintains her responsibility. She should be encouraged to demand this. Society should demand this. If he refuses, she should by all means protect herself and divorce his cheating, unaccountable backside!

Same goes for the husband.

If the husband returns home from work earlier than his wife, and there is no food in the house, by all means he should fix something that himself and his wife would eat when she returns. He shouldn’t sit in front of the TV checking the time and waiting for his tired wife to come back home to start fixing a meal...after accusing her of starving him because of her job, I might add.

What’s the sense in a husband sitting down hungry and watching TV simply because it’s his wife’s traditional role to cook and she’s not yet back? If the wife comes before the husband she should do same. She shouldn’t demand in the name of feminism that she be allowed to sit down and not fix a meal before her husband comes home because he is currently allowed to do so by society.

By the way, this particular example is a common sense matter, not a gender matter.

Common sense has no gender.

Progressive Feminism approaches the concept of ‘Head of the home’ quite differently to. Progressive Feminism understands that the husband should be the ‘head’ not necessarily because society dictates so by default, but because both husband and wife decide so of their own accord.  Because it works for them. The husband being the head does not mean that the wife looses her right to full expression and her right to state her opinion/position clearly and be listened to properly.

Also being the head of the home actually is not synonymous to being the breadwinner of the home. The CEO of a company is not automatically the one who brings in the most money for the Organization. The Man’s money is not ‘our’ money while the wife’s money is ‘her’ money as we have become accustomed to think. It’s either the Man’s money is ‘our’ money and the woman’s money is ‘our’ money or the Man’s money is ‘his’ money and the woman’s money is ‘her’ money.

Being the head of the home means that the husband takes the initiative in leading the home and the wife is comfortable and happy with him doing so while she plays a supporting role. This is an internal arrangement and if along with this arrangement the man happens to be the breadwinner, the man shouldn’t look down on his wife because of it, brag about it in public or in private, or generally treat her as subservient to him in the home. It doesn’t mean the husband ‘rules’ the home and ALWAYS knows what’s best for the family and hence should NOT be questioned. Allow me to digress for a second to take a quick look at this ‘knowing what is best’ matter.

In defending their customary right to ‘think for the whole family’, I have often heard men say that women are very emotional hence end up taking decisions that are devoid of strategic and logical analysis. Men are logical and intellectual in their approach to issues so they are best suited to make better decisions in a relationship or the family...or so the argument goes. This is a VERY amusing argument which in itself can quite frankly be said to be devoid of proper ‘strategic and logical’ analysis.

The human brain (a single unit) is primarily divided into two parts, the left and right parts. One largely controls  intellectual/logical function and the other controls the emotional/intuitive function. The fact of the matter is, to function at higher levels of creativity and innovation, you need to utilise BOTH sides of the brain equally. Many breakthrough inventions and discoveries in all spheres of society are largely due to individuals who effectively cultivated both sides of their brains and learned to use them in problem solving. The greatest inventors are typically very intuitive and intellectual at the same time. They know the intrinsic value of both and understand the grave disadvantage and myopia in relying on only one side for in approaching issues.

The logic and common sense in the above paragraph is so obvious it is almost boring to state. So where did we get this ludicrous idea that the smarter thing to do is to apply the EXACT OPPOSITE in our relationship/marriage unit?

The emotional/intuitive perspective is as valid and relevant as the intellectual/logical perspective. The couple or family that usually goes farthest in life are those who have consciously cultivated and developed both perspectives extensively in their unit. In fact our ‘Pop-acculturated’ society now has a name for those with enough common sense to successfully combine these two elements in their relationship/marriage. They are called, and are aptly celebrated as, *‘Power Couples’*

Its important to state that this in no way also validates a claim by women to be better decision makers, it simply indicates that relying heavily on one perspective is disadvantageous in decision making. Progressive Feminism demands that both perspectives are relied on equally.

But enough about how to make better decisions in a relationship, let’s wrap this ‘head’ versus ‘breadwinner’ matter up.

If something happens and the husband is no longer the breadwinner, by all means the wife should step up the support and take on the role of breadwinner temporarily or permanently, depending on the nature of the incident. Because being the head and being the breadwinner aren’t the same thing, the woman shouldn’t automatically demand to assume the role of ‘head’ because she is breadwinner. It should be mutually decided. As in the case with the husband, her assuming leadership doesn’t mean she now ‘rules’ the home and ALWAYS knows what’s best for the family and so on. It’s about taking Initiative and responsibility.

They can also decide to run their home as Co-founders do with decisions being reached after mutual consultation based on who is more knowledgeable and experienced about the matter or more functionally suited to carry out the decision at hand. It is a more dynamic arrangement that demands higher and equal levels of responsibility from both partners and bases decision making on factors other than gender. I believe that as time goes on, we will see more marriages evolve to this point.

The gender question far supersedes the realm of relationships and marriages no doubt, it also has major political and economic implications. I however strongly believe that if the matter is corrected at the home/relationship front, it will naturally extend to the political and economic front by default. Let it be known that correcting the ‘anti-progressive feminism’ notion starts with each and every male and female reading this. Yes, you and I, and how we choose to raise our sons and daughters.

In my view, the current rhetoric around feminism has almost become an excuse for irresponsible behaviour by women simply because it sets as its standard, society’s treatment of men. Ideals should be the standard not custom.

However if everyone, including feminists disagree with this, then I choose to be a Progressive Feminist by all means. Since that starts by precluding irresponsible behaviour in the first place. ;)
© *B.A.M*